Are You Making These Common Long-Distance Love Mistakes?

If you’ve ever had a conversation with a friend or a loved one who has started seeing someone who lives interstate or even in another country, it’s not uncommon to wonder how they will make it work.

Long-distance relationships can certainly thrive and flourish like any other, but they present a unique set of challenges to the couple which need to be worked through in order to keep the relationship on track.

Even the best of couples who live together can go through a rough patch, so what happens when there are thousands of kilometres separating you both for much of your time together?

Let’s take a look at some of the common pitfalls that long-distance couples can come unstuck because of, and how you can remedy these situations if you see them taking shape in your own LDR.

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OTT Check-Ins

It’s only natural to get into a long-distance relationship and make a point of regular check-ins with your significant other - but these can be taken a little too far. For some couples, the focus on touching base across the day can get in the way of important things like work and other social commitments or hobbies (that’s not to say they are more important than a call with your partner, but they all need balance within your life).

If you find yourself checking in a lot with your partner and getting rushed replies or reschedules, consider realigning your catch-up timing and work out what windows are appropriate for both of you (especially if you’re across different time zones). Importantly, you might find that checking in too regularly loses some of the excitement and buzz around your calls - or worse, makes it feel like a chore for one or both parties. Make your time together, whether it’s a call on the phone or Zoom, meaningful and connected for both of you.

Every couple will find their own pattern with time - you might like to text here and there across the day and touch base, with a longer call in the evening, or perhaps you have dedicated call times at the start and end of your days. As your schedule changes through new work commitments or otherwise, update your partner with what’s going on in your life - as long as you both feel informed and aware, you can feel confident that you’re making time for each other and your personal lives.

Minimising the Relationship

For some couples, especially those new to long-distance relationships, you might find that you don’t take it quite as seriously as previous “regular” relationships where you either lived together or at least in the same location.

Because of your separation, you might find yourself feeling less formally “attached”, and brush off the importance of your committed relationship. Of course, if both parties have discussed this and you’ve agreed to take it slow and keep things casual, this can work fine, but not if you’re off balance. If one side is strictly committed and looking to take things to the next and the other sees this as more a long-distance fling, you’re in for a rocky road.

To make any relationship work, you need to value your partner and the relationship itself, wherever in the world they are. This means taking an interest in their passions and work, opening your life up for them, and importantly, having confidence and hope that the relationship will go the distance (no pun intended).

If you find yourself talking down your relationship to friends or family, or you feel “single” mentally more often than not, consider if this is the right person for you - perhaps you don’t really see a long-term future with this person even if they were in the same location.

Another remedy can be to “sit down” with your LDR partner and discuss where you’re both at - realign your goals for your relationship and importantly, timelines of when you’ll be together in person again. Make special dates in future to give you goals to work towards, and ensure you come together whenever possible for important times, just as all couples do - anniversary trips, important family events, all of these things bring you closer and see yourselves as a “team” vs living separate lives.

Letting the ‘Spark’ Go

It can be difficult, even with so many advancements in Zoom and other video calls, to stay connected in a fun and creative way in a long-distance relationship. You might find that check-in calls become mundane run downs of the ‘facts’ of the day rather than hearing what’s exciting in your life, what you’re both looking forward to, or even touching base for your emotional needs. 

While you can’t have formal date nights or cuddle up on the couch to watch a movie, there are always ways to have shared experiences at a distance. Start a new Netflix series together and make a point to only watch new episodes “live” on Facetime, or order each other some surprise take away and dine on video call.

Making your loved one feel special also comes down to how you take care of yourself and how special YOU feel. For women in long-distance relationships, you can still buy that fun lingerie and show it off to your partner through videos or photos, or share romantic messages spontaneously, letting them know you’re thinking of them. 

Just like any couple, if you stop treasuring one another and valuing your partner, you’ll quickly see your excitement towards the partnership fade, and this is only escalated by being so far away from each other.

Feeling Paranoid

All good relationships are built on a foundation of trust, and this is never tested more than in a long-distance partnership. For some couples, paranoia about their partner “misbehaving” can be enough to tear the relationship apart, and cause anger and upset on both sides. 

First and foremost, work out whether your feelings are based in fact - is your partner often out socialising at night, leaving you in the dark about who they are with? Do you feel as though they are being dishonest with you about being faithful? Do you have proof that they are still on dating apps in their local area?

Often, your gut instinct will tell you that your partner may not be telling the truth, and this might be enough reason alone to call it quits. However, if you’ve been hurt in the past by unfaithfulness, and feel this is just your own anxiety returning to protect you from getting hurt, make your feelings known. A supportive partner will reassure you that nothing is going on, and that they love you and are committed to making your LDR work.

In the end, some people just aren’t made for long-distance love, and that’s ok to accept and act on, but no matter what, don’t hold something against your partner simply because you’re in a different state or country if they are behaving normally otherwise. This kind of paranoia can make your partner feel controlled and ‘in trouble’ for doing nothing, and you may feel better off accepting that you prefer a relationship where you can spend more time together in person.

Ultimately, long-distance relationships can be just as rewarding and legitimate as any other, but you do need to put in the work from day one, and always ensure you’re on the same page.