WHAT IS LOVE BOMBING? HERE’S HOW TO KNOW IF IT’S HAPPENING TO YOU.
Imagine this, you’ve met someone, and it’s going really well - it’s just been a few weeks of dating and already you’ve been wined and dined and gifted lavishly. You’ve heard them say the ‘L-word’ in reference to you, and they have changed all their profile photos to a couples’ snap with a caption of ‘My Forever’. So, what’s wrong with this picture?
We all admire the stories of “love at first sight”, but there’s a darker side to a relationship that feels like it’s going a little too well during early days, and that’s where love bombing comes in.
While it can be difficult to differentiate from a new love who is genuinely enthusiastic about showing you affection and attention, love bombing leans towards excessive, over-the-top or too fast. The flip side to love bombing can be a sudden withdrawal of this “lovey-dovey” communication and acts of service, where the love bomber might become distant, withdrawn, cold or even cruel.
We all want to find love, but getting there is not always straightforward. To ensure that you can identify a budding romance from something more manipulative, let’s dive deeper into the concept of love bombing, and examine exactly what red flags to look out for, and how to manage a situation if you feel you’re falling prey to a love bomber.
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‘They’re Perfect!’ Love Bomber Red Flag #1
If you’re a guarded person, perhaps dipping your toe into the dating pool again after some time, you might hear friends or loved ones tell you “Be open to love! Don’t put up walls around your heart!”. Vulnerability and love can go nicely hand in hand, but skilled love bombers can masterfully recognise the right “mark” for their plan.
A love bomber who sets out to manipulate someone is very competent at knowing how to showcase themselves in their very best light - you won’t experience arguments, clashing of opinions, criticism or outburts of anger or distress (even though these can be normal and healthy in any relationship). Instead, you’ll get a squeaky-clean version of their personality, and when it comes to you, they will worship and adore you in every way.
It’s not uncommon in the early stages of dating to put your best foot forward, but keep an eye out for someone who appears a little too perfect.
Love bombers will use your desires, dreams and weaknesses to their advantage, so take note if you’ve mentioned having a certain number of kids in future, or a dream wedding location, or a place you’d like to live in the world and your partner is 100% on board immediately, perhaps even stating that this is their exact dream also.
What’s key for love bombers over someone genuinely interested in you is that they will SAY a lot but may not take actions to make these things happen, because they don’t really want to lock themselves into anything serious.
‘They Just Know What They Want!’ Love Bomber Red Flag #2
When it comes to moving fast, love bombers will skip normal stages of courting completely and jump into discussions about meeting the parents, weekends away or overseas travel, or peruse jewellery and big ticket items with a view to purchase them for you, and shift the conversation to big commitments very quickly. Of course, we’ve all heard stories of happy couples getting engaged on their second date, married the next and staying in wedded bliss for 30 plus years, but this is often the exception, not the rule.
It’s important to remember that a decent person that is sound of mind will naturally take some time to get to know a new love interest well, and might even keep their heart guarded early on, so as not to push their partner away or appear too keen - love bombers have no shame when it comes to this, and play on telling you exactly what you want to hear and more.
They will also often ask for commitment, verbal or otherwise (like a Facebook status update, photos together, or a plan to move in) from you, and will add a little more pressure than you’re used to. This will often come under the guise of “being on the same page” or “taking it to the next level”, so it can be flattering that this new love in your life is so sure of locking it down with you, and wants to be exclusive with you.
‘We Never Want To Be Apart!’ Love Bomber Red Flag #3
A love bomber will often monopolise your time, requesting to join you on catch-ups with friends, family or even surprising you with a date when you had other plans so you need to cancel other people to spend time with them.
Again, this tactic is to get close to you, and to make you feel more dependent on them and trusting of them - by devoting a lot of time to you in the early days, you might let your guard down with a sense that this person is keen to stick around, and you feel their intentions are pure.
If you are apart, you might get a lot of text messages asking what you’re up to, when you’ll be back and generally keeping tabs on you - in other words, you might find your free time is now filled up with talking to or being with this new person, and you might find yourself feeling as though you know them very well for only having dated a few months or even weeks.
Your love bomber might bring up the ‘soul mate’ term, and this can also aid in manipulating you to feel as though this is what ‘true love’ should feel like, especially if you’ve found you haven’t had the attention or care you desired in previous relationships.
Breaking Free of a Love Bomber
Identifying that you’re being love bombed is the first step, and if you spot the signs early, it’s important to address your concerns. A genuine person may be embarrassed or apologetic if you gently bring up that you feel things are moving too fast, where a love bomber could become angry, defensive or aggressive if they feel as though their plan is going awry.
If you have found yourself in the “second phase” of love bombing, where your partner has essentially done a 180, try your best not to get drawn into the spiral of trying to win back their affections. Unless there has been a real catalyst for their shift in mood (like a major life event), it’s likely that you are playing into their plan if you try to “get back to where you were.”
Love bombing can be confusing and painful for its victims, but remember that this rollercoaster of emotions will likely continue with the relationship if it progresses, or else your love bomber will cut you off quickly having “won” your affections, gained control and may move on to a new target.
Get some space from this person as soon as you can, and try and get back to your natural equilibrium of life, and accept that this kind of person didn’t set out to truly fall in love, but to achieve a sense of control, power and influence over another person. Love bombing, when taken to the extreme, can lean into abusive and harmful relationships, where the cycle continues and becomes increasingly sinister.
The Lesson? Trust Your Gut
If something feels too good to be true, it often is. Relationships built on mutual respect, love and trust will take time, and love bombers fast track their relationships to spin you off your axis and right into their control, so the best way to avoid love bombers is to maintain a sense of healthy perspective and mindfulness, at least for the first few months of new love, even if your heart is telling you to go all in.