Have You Been Cheated On? Here’s How to Get Your Confidence Back

No matter how resilient you are, if you’ve had a partner who has behaved unfaithfully, you’re likely to experience a dip in your confidence and overall well-being.

Cheating can happen in a relationship that’s only months old, or it can occur in a 10-year marriage - the shockwaves it can create for the person cheated on can be long lasting, and it’s important to recognise the impact and find ways to remedy and boost your self-esteem.

Importantly, finding yourself and your confidence again will shape the boundaries and lay the foundations for your next relationship.

Let’s take a look at some reliable ways to recalibrate after cheating has occurred.

Taking Space

For those in monogamous relationships, one party cheating often crosses a hard line that’s been set - the party that is cheated on will likely see this as the beginning of the end.

Remember: Even if you may be considering working through this incident and staying with your partner, it’s important to take some time away from them and get perspective. This might be a week, a month or more, so you can ensure you’re making your next relationship steps with a clear head. 

If you’re moving out or having your partner (now perhaps ex) do so, try to give yourself a true break from them. Spend time with friends and loved ones, but don’t avoid those feelings of hurt, anger and sadness. 

Spending time alone and grieving the end of a relationship is important to work through those feelings - this will also be the time when you’re able to reflect on the relationship as a whole and come to terms with what occurred.

You may wish to reconnect with your partner for further closure or understanding of what has transpired, but beware of the prolonged “post mortem” of the cheating itself. Getting intricate details of the who, where and when might be tempting, but often these don’t assist in your own healing.

Get certain with what you could forgive in a relationship and don’t try to justify or blame yourself for what has occurred - cheating can’t always be explained, but what’s important is recognising that it’s acceptable for you to no longer want to be involved with your partner.

This time away stops you from being influenced by attempts at reconciliation by your partner - they may well be wanting to convince you to stay with them, to explain their actions or show their distress. There is time for these conversations in future, but now is the moment to find space, physically and mentally.

Even the act of being on your own at a difficult time and working through these emotions can boost your confidence (even if you don’t appreciate it at the time). Coming through a dark period on your own reminds you of what you’re capable of, and realigns you with your gut instincts and true desires.

Reconnect with Your Interests, Old & New

When you’re struggling with heartbreak, coupled with feeling undesirable as a result of being cheated on, challenging yourself with new hobbies or revisiting old ones can be a great confidence boost.

Not only will staying mentally and physically occupied keep you distracted, but you’re building new memories that don’t involve your partner. 

Having your own hobbies and interests keeps you feeling in charge of your life, your daily routine and reminds you that you’re capable of a life outside of your relationship (something that can be lost in long-term and all-consuming partnerships - especially those where you may feel as if you’re always trying to “win” the affections of a neglectful lover).

Look back to a time prior to meeting your partner - what did you enjoy doing? Who did you spend time with? Sometimes all we need is the space and opportunity to find joy again, and balance out sadness and pain when we’ve been cheated on.

Importantly, avoid locations (restaurants, bars or movie theatres) which you frequented with your partner - there’s no need to remind yourself of what was. Instead, start new traditions with friends and set aside time to unwind watching Netflix, to enjoy a drink at a new club, or simply to catch up over the phone at the end of the week. 

You may even like to challenge yourself with a big, audacious goal - perhaps it’s a new position at work, a fitness challenge or a solo trip to a new city. Keep focused on the future and the good memories you’re yet to create - these moments of respite allow you to move past painful memories and find happiness even in the midst of heartache.

Take Care of Yourself

It’s not uncommon to lean into “bad” habits when confronted with betrayal by your partner, and these will vary from person to person.

You might take comfort in overindulging in food or alcohol, or you might swing the other way entirely and lose your appetite, snacking now and then but not enjoying the process.

Interrupted sleep, fatigue, changes in weight - all of these can come down to a shift in routine and a lack of care for your basic needs. Perhaps you spend more time at work to avoid going home where you’re alone with your thoughts, or you skip taking care of your appearance due to lack of enthusiasm for life.

Being cheated on can cause us to feel undesirable in many ways. If you find yourself questioning your appearance, try to stop these thought patterns by reminding yourself that infidelity is often a reflection of the one who has cheated and their own sense of self-esteem, and can have very little to do with you.

Instead, take care of yourself - spray on your favourite fragrance, get a massage and a haircut, or splurge on a new outfit. Even if you’re not hungry, nourish your body with nutrition rather than quick energy boosts, knowing that your emotional state will also benefit from a balanced diet, allowing you to heal sooner.

Perspective & Hope

Time is crucial to truly get over being cheated on, and it’s not uncommon to become cynical about relationships in general. You may envision every new romance ending up the same way, and begin to pathologise your own flaws which you believe led to the cheating.

Instead, consider seeing a professional therapist to assist in unpacking your concerns and fears, and spend time with happy and functional couples in your social circles.

Keeping your hope intact after cheating is essential to creating new, happy and long-lasting relationships in future. While being cheated on by a partner can be deeply painful, hurtful and shameful, it can be an opportunity for us to recognise dangerous patterns in our previous partnerships, and alert us to the kinds of people to avoid in future.

It’s important not to rush into dating too soon, as it’s likely you’ll hold onto negative emotions and perceptions and could project these onto new partners. Understand that healing from infidelity can be a complex, personal process - by keeping your confidence in tact, you enable and empower yourself to make the right romantic choices in your next chapter.